10 Things that have never happened to me...

No posts for a while due to being as busy as a busy thing.

This has involved busy at work - busy at home - even busy dealing with the weather.

However - back at work - the thirteenth or fourteenth love of my life - after Mrs Custerd, Junior Custerds 1 and 2, Belgian beer, lasagne, the cat - and other stuff - back at work the daily reports of human misery and pettiness dished out by our 'cutomers' only serves to reinforce that we live in very different worlds. For example - in no particular order - here is a list of things that affect our regular customers way, way, way more than say, regular people:

1) Had my windows 'put through'. Having never fallen out with neighbours, friends, partners, family, or local youths enough to warrant this most British of retributions. I can't even say anyone has threatened to do it - so I've never had to call the police to ask them to tell the nasty person not to do it...

2) Been threatened with death, via the medium of... SMS text message. Never happened to me. Not once.

3) Been bitten by a neighbour's dog.

4) Been stalked by an ex-partner. Who maybe has been in the same pub/supermarket/town centre as our harassee. ('Cos that's harassment innit?')

5) Had a dispute with a builder or other tradesman (but let's face it - it's always builders) that has degenerated into with holding tools and materials and exchanges of death threats. (Oftn bi txt msg).

6) Had the neighbours 'look at me funny' - or 'keep smiling at me' in such a provocative manner as to cause fists to be raised, or constables to be summoned.

7) Bought anything off eBay for a ridiculously low price, sent money by Western Union, and then been surprised when my Wii, PS3 or X-Box failed to be shipped from Nigeria/China/Taiwan (delete as applicable)

8) Had a fallout with either a tenant or landlord - to result in changing of locks, illegal eviction, or (and this is a favourite) theft of the landlord's property and fittings.

9) Exchanged messages on Facebook/Bebo/MySpace which would in any way even remotely constitute an offence of harassment.

10) Done anything to warrant being on Jeremy Kyle. And that's a big list. But usually involves shagging someone else behind your partner's back and then whining like a child when the consequences catch up with you. And there's a lot of those.


And this ladies and gents - is how I spend my days at work.

Sgt C.